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Escribo desde el balcón con una bacha llena de platos para lavar. Esto hubiera sido motivo de peleas. Odio lavar los platos, siempre lo odie.

Escribo y pienso si estarás cogiendo mucho. Ojalá que sí. Te deseo mucho sexo. Lo necesitabas.

Escribo y pienso si ya estarás queriendo a otra. Si ya tendrán esos apodos cursis de intimidad, si ya dormirán juntos en esa casa que alguna vez fue nuestra. Si harán las mismas cosas que nosotros hacíamos los domingos.

Pasaron ocho meses desde que me fui y todo ha sido una pelea. Como si no supiera vivir de otra manera, voy de lucha en lucha, con heridas, con sangrados muy dolorosos, con lágrimas censuradas, con ganas de gritar que se acumulan en la garganta como indigestión.

No todo es tan malo, los platos siguen sucios y nadie me reta por eso.

El dulce de leche me dura un mes.

La cama está siempre tendida.

Y puedo escuchar música fuerte los domingos a la mañana.

“Ya vas a conocer a alguien que te mueva el piso”, puede que sí, puede que no. Espero que no. Realmente no quiero. Ojala no pase. Estoy cansada de las citas sin sentido. De las conversaciones banales, de escuchar ¿A qué te dedicas?, de romper esa escena aburridisima con algún chiste tonto solo para salir de la rutina. Algunos lo entienden, otros no.

Me aburro. Me quiero ir. ¿Para qué vine?. Deberías estar escribiendo. Sirve para coger. No, no sirve.

No me sirve estar acá buscando un poco de inteligencia entre birra y birra. Pero algunos lo entienden y se ríen. Victoria para mi. Siempre me gustó hacer reír. Al menos esa risa me sirve de alimento para mi ego.

“Es tiempo”, seguramente lo es. No estoy como el primer mes. Ya no lloro todos los días, ya no lloro. No estoy como el segundo mes, ya no le digo a todo que sí, ya no salgo tanto. Ya no salgo. No estoy como el tercer mes, ya no necesito escapar con desesperación, pero sí me encierro bastante. No salgo, no beso, no hablo mucho. Apenas me junto a comer con amigos.

Quizas tenian razón, “es tiempo”.

Te aleje todo lo que pude, fui grosera, distante y mala. Te empuje lo más lejos de mi.

Por más que me moría por volver a tu abrazo, te aleje. Me asegure que nadie de tu círculo supiera de mi. Elimine de mi vida todo tipo de contacto con tus amigos, tus compañeros, tus familiares, todo. Te borré. Te saque de mi corazón arrancandome los recuerdos más lindos aún cuando el dolor de perderlos me hiciera sentir miserable. Te corte de mi vida como a mi pierna derecha, y ahora ando renga viendo como sangra ese pedazo que ya no tengo y cicatriza lentamente. Mierda que duele.

Me volví a enganchar con alguien pero no fue amor, fue desesperación. Saber huir del dolor siempre fue mi mayor virtud y mi peor defecto. Odio el dolor, detesto el dolor. Por eso me enojó y no quiero llorar. No voy a llorar pero me enojo y peleo. Me convenzo que no necesito de nadie, que no quiero a nadie.

Nada bueno podía salir de dos personas rotas y así pasó.

No quiero el amor, no quiero que me guste nadie, no quiero. No quiero que nadie tenga ni la más mínima chance de poder lastimarme. No quiero que me vuelva a doler.

Renuncio al amor de pareja. Al amor romántico, a la dependencia amorosa, a la dependencia emocional, a construir la vida al lado de otra persona. A amar sin condición, al para toda la vida, al felices por siempre, al cuento de hadas. Renuncio.

El amor es un narcótico que nos hace sentir invencibles, es encontrar tu casa en otra persona, es saber que no importa lo que pasé ese amor va a estar para vos, ahí, esperandote. Es una droga. Es un placebo de los malos días, es una herramienta para levantarte cada día, es una droga.

En dos semanas me voy a Roma. Ahí donde empezó todo. Donde empecé a dudar si eso que teníamos era lo que quería “para toda la vida”. No buscaba ir a Roma, no quería ir a Roma, pero fue el pasaje más barato. Me gusta pensar que fue una señal. Algo empezó ahí y ahí voy de nuevo, a encontrar noséqué para resolver estootro. La plata no me alcanza, tengo miedo, tengo ganas de no volver, tengo una incertidumbre de no saber qué estoy buscando o qué me voy a encontrar. Tengo que aprender a controlar mi ansiedad. Tengo que lavar los platos.

Los viajes siempre me ayudaron a pensar, y pienso todos los viajes que hice sola mientras estábamos juntos, sabía que mi lugar no era al lado tuyo. Lo sabía desde hace mucho tiempo, pero el amor es una droga, y como buena adicta caía una y otra vez al lado tuyo. Siempre volvía.

No quiero que nadie se me acerque pero no sé estar sola. Hay una caja llena de cosas que guardo desde el día que nos conocimos, con entradas al cine, servilletas, tickets, cartas, notitas, fotos, etc. Mi intención era armar un libro de la vida con todas estas cositas, para que cuando seamos viejos, pasemos las páginas y recordemos lo hermoso que fue amarmos.

Los platos siguen sucios.

No tengo valor para tirar esa caja, no tengo valor para abrirla. Sólo la tengo escondida en el fondo del escritorio. Sé que está ahí, a veces me mira pero la ignoro. No me va a ganar una caja llena de papeles y servilletas, pero los platos siguen sucios.

Floppy me acompaña a los pies, a veces creo que me lee la mente. A ella no le molestan los platos sucios, ni que hace dos días que no me baño. Sólo le preocupa salir a pasear y tenerme cerca.

Tengo el pelo largo (como te gusta) y perdí un par de kilos, a veces me despierto tan feliz que reparto buena onda para todos lados, como si una dosis de endorfina entrara a mi cuerpo y por un día nada me duele. Se me escapan unas cuantas sonrisas, pero aún así no lavo los platos.

Salgo a correr más seguido, trato de comer sano, no dejó entrar a nadie a mi casa, mucho menos a mi corazón. Soy graciosa, sé ser graciosa, aprendí a disimular muy bien cuando me duele con el humor. Mis amigos se dan cuenta y me retan. Los platos siguen sucios.

Me gusta un chico, me gusta un montón pero estar con él representa un millón de problemas.

Me encanta, creo que lo tengo muy idealizado. Gracias a Dios vive lejos, lo nuestro es imposible. Es una utopía y me gusta que sea así. Me pregunto si tendrá los platos sucios en su casa. Es la única persona realmente interesante que conocí en este tiempo y al mismo tiempo no tengo idea de quién es. Menos mal que vive lejos. Para variar esta rota, tengo un imán con esa gente. Mientras más rotos, más vienen a mí. Seguramente también tiene sus platos sucios.

Tengo ganas de escribir un libro de poesías con todos mis escritos desde los 12 años, tengo que terminar la tesis, tengo que armar la valija, tengo que ordenar mi casa.

Tengo que dejar de pensar en vos… y lavar los platos sucios de una buena vez.

***Compartí este artículo :)

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