bechiblue

Enero

Faltan dos meses para irme a Medio Oriente. Todavía no puedo creer que voy a cumplir semejante sueño. Mi novio me apoya pero no me acompaña, mientras tanto pileteamos en el patio los días de calor. A la nochecita sacamos a pasear nuestros perros, nuestro hogar es nuestro refugio, paso los findes leyendo en mi hamaca paraguaya mientras el enbotella su cerveza artesanal.

Febrero

Empiezo a leer cada vez más sobre feminismo, el tráfico de libros con mi mejor amiga nos sabe a poco. Creó un grupo de lectura feminista en redes sociales pensando que vamos a ser dos (yo y mi amiga), el día de la juntada somos ocho. Empiezo a estudiar árabe, me enamoró del idioma. Nos vamos de camping a Mendoza con mi novio, “a conocer la montaña”, me convence que es un lugar hermoso. Lo es, pero odio la carpa, el frío, no tener baño. No quiero escalar la maldita montaña, me acusa de cobarde, lloró. Nos estamos rompiendo y no nos damos cuenta.

Marzo

Las juntadas feministas se vuelven más frecuentes, aprendo y crezco mucho en cada encuentro. Me regalan un pañuelo verde, produzco un show feminista. Agotamos dos funciones. Celebramos con mi novio que hace siete años que estamos juntos pero al otro día me voy, cruzó el charco por primera vez sola, bah, los gatitos de mi amiga me acompañan.

-¿A qué viene? -A descubrirme. -Bienvenida a España.

Abril

Ya llevo 15 días viajando sola por Medio Oriente, he pasado momentos de muchísimo miedo y otros de mucha emoción. Mis ojos se llenan de mundo, mi boca de nuevos sabores, ¿Por qué esperé tanto para viajar? Me despido de mi amiga en Tel Aviv para viajar a Roma. Me acusan de terrorista en el aeropuerto, no me quieren dejar salir. Termino en ropa interior en un cuartito.

Aterrizó en Roma y respiro. Me pierdo en esa ciudad hermosa, encuentro Plaza Navona, el día es perfecto: nenes juegan con burbujas, el sol esta en 20 grados, la gente camina tranquila y de fondo suena una banda callejera que me hacen sentir en una película. Me largo a llorar. Estoy profundamente feliz y también…muy sola.

Mayo

Una amiga de la infancia viene a visitarme, me llena de su energía mística. Tengo deudas que pagar del viaje, mi novio cubre ese costo. El dolar sube. Viajamos a Camilo Aldao, un pueblo del interior de Córdoba donde viven 2000 personas y la abuela de mi novio. Aparece un chico que me escribe del otro lado del charco, hablo más con él que con mi novio. Celebramos el cumpleaños de Nelly, jamás imaginé que esa iba a ser mi última visita.

Junio

No estamos bien pero tapo mi dolor con actividades. Trabajo mucho, voy a un congreso, trato de enfocarme en la tesis. Soy otra después del viaje, él también es otro. Discutimos por plata, me cobra con intereses el dinero que me prestó. No lo puedo creer. Hace una semana que siento que me ahogo en mi propia casa. Se cae todo, me voy con 100 pesos en la billetera, mi cepillo de dientes y una muda de ropa. No aguanto más.

Julio

¿Cuánto puede llorar una persona? El corte es definitivo, sé que no es la persona para mi. Somos dos personas completamente diferentes. Mi mente lo entiende, mi corazón no. Estoy cansada de llorar, duermo poco.

El proyecto del aborto legal entra en el parlamento de Argentina, esa lucha me distrae de mi propia miseria. Mis amigos me rescatan. Nadie puede creerlo y la mismo tiempo todos lo sabían. “Hiciste bien, no importa cuando leas esto”.

Agosto

Mi hermana no duda en tomar un avión desde el sur a Córdoba para ayudarme con mi separación. Veo apenas dos departamentos, elijo el tercero que ve una amiga y me manda fotos. Cargo con todo, los gastos, los tramites, la mudanza, la culpa y mis animales. En dos meses me dedique a resolver problemas. Me miento con que estoy bien saliendo a cuanta fiesta se me cruza, me bajo Tinder. Me reencuentro con un chico que me gustaba y resulta que él también gusta de mí. Me miento de nuevo con que estoy enganchada.

Septiembre

En mi trabajo todo es un caos, me enojo con mis jefes. Me dan la razón. Una amiga de Misiones me invita a visitarla, compró los pasajes y me voy, no doy mas. No me enamoré, es todo un error. Trabajo el doble, tapó las emociones con laburo. Mi ex me escribe para cobrarme spotify, no lo puedo creer.

Octubre

No me viene, hago cálculos de fechas, la pastilla no funcionó. El test dió positivo. Me siento por 10 minutos, el mundo se derrumba. Mañana es mi cumpleaños y tengo pasajes para ir a Buenos Aires a festejarlo con mi hermana. Estoy embarazada de 5 semanas. Ese finde no puedo resolver nada, viajo, “festejo” mi cumpleaños. Vuelvo y aborto.

Noviembre

Pasó los primeros 15 días del mes sangrando, nadie te dice lo mucho que duele abortar. Conozco un inglés que se enamora de mí. Viajo a Buenos Aires a verme con un viejo amor,  conozco por primera vez la ciudad. Escribo una nota sobre abortar en Argentina, la publico pero antes le cuento a mi papá que es provida. Pienso que no me puede pasar nada más.

Diciembre

Me voy, no sé como pero me voy. Compró un pasaje a Roma para febrero 2019. No me alcanza la plata. Me enamoró de un pibe que ni conozco en persona. Paso las fiestas sola. Me meto en couchsurfing. Pienso que me rompí de todas las formas posibles. Busco el equilibrio. Entreno, leo y vuelvo a escribir.

Sobreviví.

***Compartí este artículo :)

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