Enero:
En diciembre 2017 viaje a Uruguay con Guillermina y Pía para pasar año nuevo lejos de nuestros mambos, también viajaron, pero fueron lo suficientemente gentiles para quedarse callados hasta volver a Buenos Aires. Me insolé por primera vez en mis, en ese momento, 29 años de vida. Felipe cumplió 1 año y le enseñé a decir que esa era su edad. Trabaje mucho de algo que no me gustaba nada, lloré mucho por mi trabajo.
Febrero:
Renuncié al trabajo que odiaba, empecé otro. Viajamos con papá a Entre Ríos, eramos un montón en una casita mínima. Me fui a Montevideo sola con mamá y me tatué unas peonias en la pierna. Comí el mejor carrot cake del mundo en Santé. Fui a la fundación de Mario Benedetti y lloré de emoción al ver sus tiradores colgando en el perchero. Pensé en lo mucho que me gustaría estar haciendo ese viaje con Gabriel, siempre pienso en lo mucho que me gustaría seguir viajando con él. De alguna manera, sigo viajando con él.
Marzo:
Empecé a trabajar en dos colegios. Corrí mil colectivos, almorzaba ocasionalmente arriba del 181, o no almorzaba. Baje 4 kilos en un solo mes. Renuncié al turno tarde. Me agarré piojos. Lloré el 13 de marzo como hace 3 años. Nos fuimos a Pinamar con la familia de mi cuñado, solo para estar en la playa con Felipe. Fui al Lollapalooza, lloré con The Killers, baile mucho con The Killers. No me gusto como sonaban los Red Hot. Me dio un ataque de pánico al salir y Felicitas me tuvo que meter un rivotril a la fuerza para que me calmara.
Abril:
Fui a abrirme los registros akashikos a un lugar rarísimo en Quilmes, lloré. Empecé a entender muchas cosas que me pasaban. Subí los 4 kilos que había bajado. Hice muchos cuadernos. Retomé la búsqueda de departamentos para irme a vivir sola, mamá me ayuda. Seño el primero que veo, es perfecto.
Mayo:
Me corte mal el flequillo. Fuimos con Vicoca a una feria que no nos gustó como nos trataron. Ver al Gordo siempre me recuerda lo mucho que extraño a Gabriel. Bueno, siempre extraño a Gabriel. Me mude sola, me angustio mucho, extraño mi casa. Extraño vivir con mi hermana, mi mama, la perra y el gato. Me quedo a dormir en lo de mamá unas 3 veces a la semana.
Junio:
Le digo a Gabriel de vernos, le cuento que vivo cerca de su casa, me siento protagonista de una novela donde la stalker confiesa que sabe sus movimientos, pero no los sé. Ya no los sé. Tomamos dos birras, me doy cuenta en ese instante que no siento nostalgia, que yo lo sigo queriendo como el primer día. Todo fluye con la misma facilidad que caracterizo a nuestra relación. Nos recomendamos libros, series películas. Nos despedimos y nunca le dije que en realidad lo quería ver para decirle que lo extraño, y que me gustaría retomar nuestra historia, darnos la oportunidad de ser felices juntos otra vez. Tampoco le dije lo mucho que extraño abrazarlo y quedar justo debajo de su pera, ese es mi lugar preferido. El se queda mirándome ir, como hizo siempre durante 5 años. Me duele el corazón. Voy a la plaza con mi hermana, mi militancia feminista va creciendo de a poco, como un fueguito tímido en un rincón. Festejo en el patio del colegio religioso en el que trabajo. Un grito silencioso, una alegría verde que desborda, me abrazo a mis amigas y compañeras de trabajo.
Julio:
Rindo 2 finales, me saco 9 en ambos. Cuelgo uno, y ya se que me voy a arrepentir en el futuro. Tengo unas mini vacaciones del trabajo y de la facultad. Duermo mucho.
Agosto:
Nació Fermín. Voy a la plaza otra vez, me empapo y sopla mucho viento. Me lleno de glitter verde, me encuentro con Flor. Tomamos mate, gritamos, nos abrazamos. Voy empapada a la facultad, soy un fuego verde rodeada de baldes celestes que me miran con desprecio, me siento gigante y poderosa. Voy al cumple de Guillermina, me duermo en el sillón de mamá escuchando hablar a Cristina Kirchner. Voy a trabajar, no me importa nada de lo que pasa, necesito ir a casa a ver qué está pasando. Sentí mucho enojo, mucha tristeza. Me hice un tatuaje de Harry Potter. Nani llego de sorpresa, me dio mucha felicidad.
Septiembre:
Empecé a trabajar a la tarde en el mismo colegio. Cumplí 30 y escribí esto: “Desde hace 10 años que cumplir años me cuesta. No me gusta crecer, no me gustó de pibita, menos ahora de “adulta.” No me gusta envejecer, no por coqueta, sino por temor a todo lo que viene. Pero no puedo tener miedo cuando tengo a todo este grupo de amigos y familiares que van a buscar un globo que se voló a otro techo, que llegan de viaje y (me) hacen un asado multitudinario. Si es con todos ustedes al lado, que se sigan viniendo los años, volando los globos y quemando las brasas. Bienvenidos “los 30” ya no les tengo tanto miedo.”Me regalaron muchos libros, un par de plantas y amor incondicional. Me corté el pelo para donarlo, pero no me gusta decir que lo hice para eso. No me gustó como me quedó, y me sentí extremadamente frívola y vanidosa.
Octubre:
Fui a ver a Jorge Drexler con Giaco. Lloré un montón, me hizo muy bien. Me volví a bajar tinder, lo borré a las dos semanas. Discutí con una de las maestras, descubrí que hay mucha gente malintencionada que no tiene reparos en cagarte. Me anime a hablar y encarar estas situaciones.
Noviembre:
Salí con un pibe muy, pero muy, hippie que me mandaba fotos de sus cerámicas y me hablaba de vivir en el sur. Volví a mi casa angustiadísima. Empecé yoga. Lucía nos contó que está embarazada otra vez, un nuevo sobrinx viene a habitar esta loca familia. Desaprobé un final. Me enfermé, vomité mucho y me internaron. Dormí 3 días seguidos. Y entre delirios de fiebre, vómitos y llantos por el dolor, no pude dejar de pensar en lo que extraño a Gabriel. La profe de yoga me hizo una sanación, estoy creyendo más en las energías.
Diciembre:
Termine el año laboral sin saber qué deparaba mi futuro, si tenía trabajo o no. Nadie me confirmaba nada y a mi me angustiaba un montón. Vicoca cumplió dos años. Me confirmaron que sigo teniendo trabajo, bebí mucha birra para festejarlo. Me di cuenta que no leí tanto como me hubiese gustado, y que lloré más de lo que imagine.
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